Monday, December 10th, 2018 I expressed the following to a close friend of mine:
I had a pity party Saturday. I didn’t intend to, but I just started talking while my husband was driving (seems to be what I do) and I expressed that I feel like I always watch others and feel negative emotions and then feel less than myself.
Social media and spirituality have its pros, but I also feel like it comes with its cons and I have been working hard on me to find a balance in it all.
I know I should limit or abolish the use of social media. I deleted Facebook, so I just have Instagram and I say I enjoy it, but I find myself either A) judging people or B) comparing me, my life, and my accomplishments to them.
I worked hard for my “accomplishments” and have been working hard on myself. Overall, I feel decent until I don’t. Since I have gotten to Texas and even more so recently, I have been feeling some many ugly emotions. I suppose because I have more time to rest and reflect than I was ever used to.
Saturday night I went through all my friends on Instagram and cleaned a lot out… It’s actually very sad because there are people I love and or care about and I find myself being jealous of them and I don’t mean to be. I also don’t mean it in a harmful manner I just feel like my husband and I work hard yet we still find ourselves in a perpetual state of struggling to some capacity. I feel like unlike me he’s not really addressing some of the emotion behind it, but I guess I don’t expect him to as a man, but I have really dug deep emotionally, and I guess I’m kind of waiting for my time to shine? I know that sounds horrible but it’s how I feel.
The more confusing thing is I don’t really aspire to have certain material and name brands, I could care less. With me it really boils down to a feeling of security, abundance, happiness, confidence and those people I guess seem too exuberant it while I feel very self-conscious still despite all my effort to not.
I long to feel completely satisfied in my life and I see it in my reflection and in photos, as superficial and vain as that sounds. I feel like I am always working through something or toward something and I am tired of that. I feel like the underdog. I watch people and feel like I am doing wrong. I’m an honest person that’s walked an honest path. I just want to be content with me.
For me maybe it’s trickier because it’s not like I’m working for something physical. Such as, I want a Mercedes Benz, so I work for the Mercedes Benz, I buy the Mercedes Benz, proof of my effort is the Mercedes Benz and now I have reached that goal and are fulfilled. It’s a feeling, it’s always been a feeling, and then I ask myself what’s stopping me from just feeling the feeling and then I exhaust myself.
I had this conversation with a friend after completing Day 4 in Claim your power by Mastin Kipp. Today, January 7th, 2019 I am beginning Day 32 with a profound ah ha moment and the sections begins with…
My top two emotions are safe and loved. Through my previous blogs, the pattern has often been my goal setting. I want to be more this, I want to feel less like that and more specifically I have documented travel goals, goals to complete my PhD, to become a BCBA, to be a minimalist, to eat right, and exercise. I have almost lived my life in goals as they have given me motivation each day and a sense of doing. My journey has been goals and recently I have been conflicted if it were good or bad; like the never-ending story of what more I could do.
What Mastin Kipp states is it is about setting goals with purpose. Advice he offers is “the worst advice you can take is proximity advice. That is to say, advice from the people closest to you who have never done what you are trying to do.” When asking for advice he advices that they will support your choice and that they have been where you are trying to go. And for me, it all is matter of how I am trying to feel, therefore, it is essential to seek insight from those who feel what I want to feel?
But how would I know for sure? Social media especially can put out some many false illusions. People who look happy, healthy, and wealthy may not be any of that. I almost feel like that is what we all do now, put on masks because everyone’s afraid to talk about what we should be talking about; everyone is afraid to feel. As I expressed to my friend, I find it exhausting because how will I know and why can I not allow myself to already feel what I want to feel. Why does what I want to feel have to be attached to a goal for me?
In day 32 Mastin took me through a five-step process of mapping out new goals with purpose. And not know surprised my master list of goals were; effectively communicate, surrender control, trust my decisions, aim high, eat well, exercise, travel, publish my writings. From there I made chose my top three from the list which were to travel, surrender control and to be published. Mastin explain that “Before we finish, it’s vital that we link your purpose to a sense of contribution, growth, and a deeper meaning.” Which through that practice I discovered how the three goals I picked lined up with the new hierarchy I am supposed to be living by; self, creator, than others. Travel is for myself, surrender control is to connect with my creator, and being published would allow me to reach others, a larger audience.
On Day 11 of Claim Your Power, I wrote out my purpose as the following; “The purpose of my life is to trust myself and my higher power, and feel the love that results while inspiring other to feel the same.” While I have been working through this book many emotions have come to the surface and I have been trying to first understand them then second, understand how to do channel them. I have dove deep and have been investing time in working on what I refer to as my overall identity. Claim Your Power has been a great tool i have used to guiding me to make big realizations. Today’s section concludes with the following affirmation and prayer.
“Today’s affirmation: I set goals with Purpose and pursue them now.
Today’s prayer: Creator, thank You for giving me the clarity to know what my Purpose and my goals are. Allow me to feel even more connected to You as I step out into uncertainty. Aide in my pursuit of these goals. Help me be proud of who i am becoming, as I create an even bigger life. Send me the resources, mentors, confidence, and aide that I need to remain on this path, Give me a sense of greater Purpose as I pursue these goals from now on. Give me strength when I want to quit and courage when I am scared. Most important, help me start now.”
For more information visit https://mastinkippcoaching.com/