Last week, on Friday, I woke up early and began my day around 4 a.m. I had a 7 a.m conversation with my friend in Spain followed by a 9 a.m conversation with my sister-in-law then a 11 a.m conversation with my friend back on the east coast.
My biggest take away from my 7 a.m conversation– Her and I always dig deep into our feelings and discuss “what does it all mean.” She suggested that many of the things I may feel may still contribute to control. While she also reassured me that I have a great passion for helping and healing. She has suggested to me several times recently that I am highly intuitive, it is a gift of mine that should be applied to help others. Instead of feeling frustrated in wanting to help those who do not ask for help, to help those that gravitate to me naturally for help.
My biggest take away from my 9 a.m conversation– My sister-in-law is my voice of reason. She always knows how to perfectly sum up my feelings. Even when I cannot make sense of them myself, she can for me.
“I think another reason it bothers you is that their actions are putting you down. They behave in a manner of having all the answers and making you seem as if you are not their equal. They’re acting like they have all the answers is also insulting to you as a friend, because it’s like a slap in the face saying, “well what do you know”? That’s their own ignorance and shame. Not ready to admit their problems. The way they protect themselves is their fake perfect life and if they admit that to you then they would be admitting that they can’t control and handle what’s going on. They can’t even seem to manage being a friend who is your equal (always acting like they’re better) so confiding in you would knock them down a few pegs and change the dynamic of your friendship in their mind. We all develop survival techniques and control is usually one of them. That’s one of the main things that your friendship with them is missing; equality. I don’t know if they realize they are putting you down to make themselves look/feel better or not, but that makes for an unhealthy friendship and the source of why it’s been bothering you so much. It makes sense that you were questioning yourself because they made it so that they didn’t trust you so why would you trust yourself? Trust you enough to confide in you, but that’s because of them – not you. Acting like they have all the answers was just putting you down and making you question yourself unnecessarily. Like you taught me… it’s a reflection of them. It says more about them than you”
My biggest take away from my 11 a.m conversation– My friend calls me upset about an incident that happened at work. She is an inner-city special education teacher. She had an incident with a parent of a child she is trying to help and protect. I encouraged her to write a letter of all the things she wishes she could say and then either to just throw it away as a release or find professional ways she can say what needs to be said.
The grand conclusion– There were patterns within these three conversations. Situations where I am trying to help, want to help, and did help. All of which have Helped me make one grand conclusion; I am on the right path. Upon completing my third and final residency in my PhD program, I discovered that the feelings I desire to experience are the same feelings I want for the children I support and advocate for (which is not limited to those that I work with but extends to friends and family in which I love and care about). I am safe in this body, I am safe in this world. “Your trauma is a prerequisite for your purpose.” I am finally convinced I am living mine. Factors telling me I am align in my academic life, professional life, and personal life. It is all connected.
I love to help. I want to help. I care to help. I trust my intuition and sometimes its so strong that I can sense the unspoken. This has been both a blessing and curse for me. Sometimes it consumes me and hurts when I am not able to use my gift. When I am unable to call it how I see it in fear it would cause resistance, negatively impact a relationship (yet keeping quiet seems to be the most damaging), scare someone, make them feel attacked, judged, or that I think I know it all or am better than. Other times, my gift brings me joy and I can heal myself while healing others because we springboard ideas and experiences off each other. It has been about finding my place and balance on what does not need to be said and what does.
The things left unsaid– “I need help.” “Can you help me?” “Can I help you?” “Did that help?” “What would help?” “Thank you for your help.” These are such powerful and venerable statements. Why do we fear being vulnerable? Why do we say we are okay if we are not? Why do with associate needing help as being weak? I have become so comfortable with stating how I really feel, some associated as being a complainer, but I do not ever pretend to feel something I do not. I work daily on healing and self-love practices ad still I need to speak the things left unsaid. I tell my mom almost weekly “I need help.” I ask my sister-in-law almost daily “can you help me?” I ask my friends “Can I help you?” I ask my husband “Did that help?” and “What would help?” And to all I say, “Thank you for your help.” In this exchange I have found both chaos and peace. I cannot make people comfortable with the uncomfortable however I can try my best to inspire that speaking the things left unsaid is where true transformation takes place.