Recently I took a poll on Instagram asking my followers if they find social media to be helpful or harmful. Out of those who responded, 15% voted helpful and 85% voted harmful. I am with the 85%, yet I am too often glued to my phone, memorized by the content people are sharing, and comparing my highlight reel to theirs. I do not look the way they look, I do not dress the way they dress, I do not pose the way they pose, I do not go to the places they go, if I went to place they went I did not take the type of pictures they took, I do not buy what they buy, I do not receive what they receive, I do not do what they do, I do not eat what they eat.
Very quickly I find myself in a small dark hole of inferiority. As I mentioned in a previous blog titled Self-Mastery, “…I examined some of the females I used to feel inferior to and admired very much. It was never what they looked like or what they owned but it always appeared that they were happy, confident, and having fun- things I have been longing to feel.” While I may admire (and sadly compare) their appearance, style, and lifestyle it typically all boil down to a feeling portrayed that I desire to feel for myself. I want to experience the fun they are having. I want to embody the confidence that they have.
Fun and confidence, in conjunction, are the pair that make for the ultimate captivating glow. A glow which is enchanting, mysterious, and makes me yearn to know how she does it as I feel like I have been striving to achieve such for years. I have always struggled with loving myself. I have coped with the physical manifestations of not nurturing and caring for myself the way my body deserved me to. I have always fluctuated in weight and have experienced many times of bad acne breakouts. I would compensate for my insecurities with yo-yo dieting, overdoing it at the gym, harsh products, tanning beds, and overspending on material.
Which were all attempts to paint an imagine I had it all together while I was slowly falling apart. I essentially accepted the idea of “this is how it will be for me.” I accepted that it was my reality to always feel “less than.” At one point in my past, I was so far into my dark whole that I believed so many lies. Lies like I would never have the money or opportunity to travel like her nor will I find someone who loves and want to marry me like she did. I suffered from extra weight, acne, negative self-talk, and the feeling that all where better, smarter, pretty, more style and so on then me.
I have done so much work through the years and have made so many changes as per my diet, lifestyle, and emotional well-being. Despite all my work, all the years off reading self-help books, journaling, blogging, eating better, exercising, traveling and so on, I still too frequently have slip ups where I fall into the comparison trap. Now, I question is this just the world we live in? Do we all experience this? Or I it that I just have more healing to do? Both? At age 28 I just wonder what more will it take? What will stop it? I feel like I have already wasted so much time.
28 years of feeling insecure could have been the opposite. I admire these young girls I see on social media living their best lives, having fun, taking sexy pictures and brave enough to share them. Who are traveling young and waiting to settle down, get married, and have kids. These young girls are the young girl I wish I had been. But I wasted so much time hating myself and doubting my capabilities. At my age, married, I feel as though my focuses should be on my husband and our future, but with all my progress, I crave nothing more than to make up for all the time I lost.
I have been trying to shift the way I use social media and how I interpret the substance that I view in it. While I am with the 85% who say it is harmful, like any bad habit I am unable to ditch, I am attempting to see how it can be helpful. I am cognizant of whom I follow. As opposed to falling into the dark whole, I am trying to allow myself to feel inspired, to make connections, to ask questions, to give compliments and acknowledging beauty while down ignoring my own. Allowing nothing to alter the divine feminine energy I have slowly been greeting into my life, the confidence that has been trickling in, and the fun that it on the road up ahead.
While things may not have come easy for me or as soon as I would have liked, better late than never. I may always be a work in progress which will allow me to forever evolve and transform into the woman I am forever becoming. I spent too many years not loving myself and it still takes a lot of courage today for me to tell myself “I love you.” I have wasted so much time critiquing and comparing that a compliment was almost unknown. But just like the girls on social media, I tam worthy, I am beautiful, I am creative, I am experienced, I am accomplished, I am kind, and I am just trying my best at my level of consciousness. As opposed to making social media a competition, a means to boast, and vanity, may we use such a platform to spread love, self-love awareness, and the power of healing.